What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 06:54
We were not on the streets..
(And it was in our own minds.)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He knew the spot.
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
So whats the point in blame.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was seconnd youngest,
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Is it wrong of me to feel uncomfortable that my friend thinks my brother is hot?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why are the democrats keep insisting that there are more than two genders?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Why are black people harassed more by police officers?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
This is soul school!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why does it itch on my vulva, uterus, and sides of my vagina, but it doesn't itch inside the vagina?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My family never makes their pension either.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Was to survive, this bastard.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She married twice! .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
It was going to be , some day.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Comes on , in middle age.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But, we were locked up after school.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I couldn’t, believe it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
What did i know ?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And i lived it daily.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Especially a lifetime of it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I write beautiful poetry .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My life is so biszare .
She loved him until the end.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She found it foreign!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I don,t even have a pension.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was very sick at this time too.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I think the readers, may guess!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was scared of men, in general
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Would this be the day?
But it wasn’t much.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
When she asked me how she looked .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I could never make a relationship work though!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was 9 years of age.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
So, i spoilt her more .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Put me off passion for life!!
Ive learnt so much.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was in good health!
I waited trembling.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Who then, do I blame.?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I have no regrets .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im still living with it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We all went to grammer schools
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I said to her
All the time i was locked up.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She wouldn,t have been !
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One cannot live in the past .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I will be 64.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other